Princess Jessie?

So I was in yoga class the other night, getting a good reminder that I'm not as flexible as I thought I was (my hip flexors still hurt), and we were doing the relaxation portion at the end. I'm laying there, letting my body sort of sink into the mat and allowing my mind to wander, when I start thinking about this blog. I had just tweaked it, and I was recalling the About Me section, where I describe myself as a Christian, wife, runner, singer/songwriter, etc. And I can see the section in my head, when suddenly the word "princess" shows up.

Princess?

I was so startled that my eyes shot open and I almost sat straight up off the mat. Princess? Where did that come from?

Ok, so I knew immediately where that came from - not a big secret. If it's in my head and I'm pretty sure that I didn't think it up, it's generally God dropping by and whispering. So, instead of continuing to relax, I layed there on the mat, trying not to focus on my aching hip flexors, and talked with God about this princess thing.

Again, princess? What? I know that we often go into the whole "I am a daughter of the King" thing, which sounds really nice, but...really? I don't walk around thinking "I am a princess!" I certainly don't feel like one. I live in a military uniform (one that does nothing for the female body, trust me), and I feel like I have to be tough all day long. On the extremely rare occasion that I do go out, I dress up, but definitely not to the degree that I feel like royalty.

So I'm telling God that it's a nice thought and all, but He's got the wrong girl if He's trying to describe me as a princess. And God's response was "Why aren't you a princess?" I went over the long list that I had for why I am not a princess.

"Don't you want to be a princess?"

Oh, leave it to God to hit a tender spot in my heart and soul that I didn't even know was there until He had pushed. I have this thing about princesses. Someday, I want to go to Disney World because Disney has some very cool princesses. I think about dressing up for the beauty pageants I did as a kid and how princess-like I felt. (I think about the fact that I weighed more than I ever have on my wedding day, and how un-princess-like I felt...) What is it about being a princess? They are beautiful. Period. Not just outside glamour...but all around, inside, outside beauty. And I want to be that. Just like in John & Stasi Eldredge's books, I want to be the beauty to rescue. I want to be worth rescuing. And, well, I generally don't feel like I am.

Let me stop here and say that this has nothing to do with Nathan being the guy who rescues the beauty. He makes me feel like a girl everytime he's home, and I LOVE him for that. It is then that I can let my guard down and be...soft. But I rarely feel like a princess.

So when God asks if I want to be a princess, He hits a nerve deep inside. I want to be the beauty to rescue, but it's hard to feel beautiful when called to a life in which beauty is dangerous. My hair is pinned into a bun as I'm writing this, and my makeup is minimal. Again, my uniform does nothing for the female body. Princess in camo? Hmmmmm....

God didn't say much after that; He sort of left me to sort through the emotions of that nerve He's hit. I have the feeling that it will come up again later, however. God has a way of pushing against the walls and issues I've built up, then backing off, then pushing again. It will be interesting to see where this goes. I think it will be painful, because it is going to dredge up stuff that I have probably buried deep inside as part of my survival...but if God's pushing, it has to be a good thing, a timely thing, and - maybe - a healing thing.

The Goodness of God

I've been spending a great deal of time lately daring to question the goodness of God. I know, shocking, right? I mean, who dares to question the goodness of the One who sent His only Son for us, the One whose mercies are new every morning, the One who invented chocolate?

Seriously, though, after 17 months apart from my sweet husband, I have found myself repeatedly going to God and asking if I made a wrong turn somewhere, if there's a lesson I'm supposed to be learning that I haven't picked up on yet, if I missed a rather large sign that said "get out of the military." But God has not answered. And I have looked at what God intended for marriage, and I'm pretty sure that the bare foundation involves the man and wife (and God, of course) being together. In the same state. Maybe even in the same house.

But, due to circumstances beyond Nathan's and my control, that has not been the road we have walked. And I have dared to question the goodness of God because of it.

Here's what I learned (or, rather, was reminded of):

God is big enough to handle it when I dare. He is big enough to handle my emotions and my heartache. He's big enough to handle my humanity, because He created my humanity. He's big enough to handle the thought process that says "I don't have what I think I'm supposed to have, therefore God may not be good." He's big enough to handle the ocean of tears I have cried, because He invented those too.

It doesn't mean He is going to answer, though. I still don't know why God has brought us to this place. And I don't see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel yet. But is He good through it, in spite of it?

Yes.

Was there a sunrise this morning? Probably somewhere, but here it was so foggy that I couldn't see ten feet in front of me. Perhaps God is so good that He let the whole city experience the inability to see ahead that I've been feeling, if only for a morning.

Am I alive to enjoy the "small victories" of the day? Yes. Am I alive to experience the trials of marriage apart from my beloved? Yes. Is that a gift from a good God? Yes.

Is God good enough to have given me the few weekends here and there that I have had with my husband? The eight amazing months that we had together in 2007? The phone calls, text messages, and emails? Yes, yes, and yes.

It's not the way it is supposed to be, most definitely. Is it painful and capable of robbing me of the joy of an otherwise beautiful marriage to a man that I adore more today than I did the day I married him? Yes, it is capable, but I won't let it.

I have a lot to learn on this journey, and there is so much that I don't understand - and may never understand. But I guess that's life...unpredictable and uncertain. But at least God is unchanging...and good.