The Goodness of God

I've been spending a great deal of time lately daring to question the goodness of God. I know, shocking, right? I mean, who dares to question the goodness of the One who sent His only Son for us, the One whose mercies are new every morning, the One who invented chocolate?

Seriously, though, after 17 months apart from my sweet husband, I have found myself repeatedly going to God and asking if I made a wrong turn somewhere, if there's a lesson I'm supposed to be learning that I haven't picked up on yet, if I missed a rather large sign that said "get out of the military." But God has not answered. And I have looked at what God intended for marriage, and I'm pretty sure that the bare foundation involves the man and wife (and God, of course) being together. In the same state. Maybe even in the same house.

But, due to circumstances beyond Nathan's and my control, that has not been the road we have walked. And I have dared to question the goodness of God because of it.

Here's what I learned (or, rather, was reminded of):

God is big enough to handle it when I dare. He is big enough to handle my emotions and my heartache. He's big enough to handle my humanity, because He created my humanity. He's big enough to handle the thought process that says "I don't have what I think I'm supposed to have, therefore God may not be good." He's big enough to handle the ocean of tears I have cried, because He invented those too.

It doesn't mean He is going to answer, though. I still don't know why God has brought us to this place. And I don't see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel yet. But is He good through it, in spite of it?

Yes.

Was there a sunrise this morning? Probably somewhere, but here it was so foggy that I couldn't see ten feet in front of me. Perhaps God is so good that He let the whole city experience the inability to see ahead that I've been feeling, if only for a morning.

Am I alive to enjoy the "small victories" of the day? Yes. Am I alive to experience the trials of marriage apart from my beloved? Yes. Is that a gift from a good God? Yes.

Is God good enough to have given me the few weekends here and there that I have had with my husband? The eight amazing months that we had together in 2007? The phone calls, text messages, and emails? Yes, yes, and yes.

It's not the way it is supposed to be, most definitely. Is it painful and capable of robbing me of the joy of an otherwise beautiful marriage to a man that I adore more today than I did the day I married him? Yes, it is capable, but I won't let it.

I have a lot to learn on this journey, and there is so much that I don't understand - and may never understand. But I guess that's life...unpredictable and uncertain. But at least God is unchanging...and good.