The First Blog...

Welcome to my first blog here at Blogger. I was attempting to keep a blog on MySpace, but I became increasingly frustrated at the fact that people had to be part of MySpace to read the blog. Plus, MySpace just gets old after awhile.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:9-12

I have to admit that I've really been struggling with this passage of Scripture lately. I mean really struggling - the kind of struggling that leaves me in tears and standing in the middle of my house yelling at God.

Why? I struggle with knowing that my God is a good God and is the giver of good gifts and yet finding that I feel as though He's withholding from me. Sounds a bit blasphemous, perhaps, but I believe that God is big enough to handle me and my emotions, even when they equate to adult temper-tantrums.

See, here's the thing. Nathan and I have been married for over three years now and have been separated for over 50% of it. Granted, military life makes the already difficult blessing of marriage that much harder, but there comes a point where you wonder what in the world is going on. At this point, we have not been able to live together for 14 months due to the military moves, my commissioning, and the fact that my new duty station has absolutely no job openings for Nathan. And it isn't as though we haven't prayed for them - we have. But, seemingly, to no avail.

I live that life, waking every morning to an empty place on the bed where Nathan should be, coming home to none save a sweet kitten, and longing for the life that all newlyweds dream of on their wedding day. I live that life and I wonder what God is doing through this. Is there something that we haven't learned in the last 14 months of training and heartache? Is there something huge ahead that this is preparing us for? Did we goof up somewhere?

I have begged God for the answers to these questions, trying to figure out if I am holding up the belated beginning of Nate's and my life together, but heaven stays silent. I weep and am not comforted. And I read about God's goodness and wonder how I missed out.

Ok, time out. I'm not saying God hasn't blessed me. Professionally, I have a great life. I'm healthy. I live in a great country where I can talk about God all I want (well, kind of...being in the military makes things a bit sketchy...). I have a great family and wonderful friends. I am blessed, and I know this. Additionally, I have seen God bring friends through some really ugly junk just to bless their socks off after much pain and heartache - I have seen the childless become parents, I have seen the tremendously sick become well, I have seen miracles.

Which is why I wonder if I'm not a bit selfish for thinking the things I am. How could I want more? And yet I do! I can't allow myself to believe that this was what God intended for married life for His children. I can't allow myself to believe that God would put a desire so deep and aching within me to be pregnant and become a mommy and then not make Nathan's and my living situation adequate for becoming parents. So I cry out...and I struggle...and I tell God that I won't let go until He blesses me. (Genesis 32:26 reference)

I'll be the first to admit that military life changes the way that everything in life goes. You give up the life that you had and the life that you could have had. On one hand, it is a sacrifice that God clearly called me too, and I willingly carry that cross. And yet the cross becomes multi-faceted with time. It changes your relationships, and it changes you. For instance, when I was in college, I spent a great deal of time asking God to guard my tongue so that I wouldn't cuss. Now that I'm in the military, I'll less concerned about the condition of my tongue than the condition of my heart. At the end of the day, I no longer check myself as to whether I used bad language that day. Rather, I check myself to see where my heart was when I helped to kill a terrorist. The stakes change, and I find that my concerns change. However, I'm confronted with the fact that God's holiness doesn't change. God still wants me to guard my tongue, as well as my heart. But I'm truly seeing more and more of God's grace - and experiencing that grace - when the end of the day reveals a few too many slip-ups in the language department but also a heart that gave all it could in protecting the nation and those who fight for her.

My prayer for tonight is to be completely God's...in spite of the constant heartache, the constant stress, and the ever-present reminder that my plans and His are certainly not the same. And while I'm completely His, I pray to find ways to be a better wife from across the distance.