"I Won't Let You Down"

I was out running at a local park this weekend, and it was one of those beautiful days that brings everyone outside to play. There were two little boys - I’d guess ages 5 and 3 - on their little bicycles, and they were biking on the same track where I was running. The older boy was riding just ahead of the other, and at one point, the older boy looked back at the younger and said, earnestly and sincerely, “Don’t worry, I won’t let you down!”

I spent the rest of my run thinking about that statement.

I won’t let you down.

At what point does the concept of letting someone down, of disappointing someone, of failing someone, enter into a child’s consciousness?

As a mommy, thinking about my little girl, the question broke my heart. I want my daughter to understand right vs. wrong and to understand what it means when someone says they are disappointed. But I want her to understand it later.

Somehow, the weight of being able to let someone down seems too great for my child’s small shoulders to bear.

So how do I, as a parent, balance teaching responsibility with letting my daughter be a child? How do I let me daughter grow without asking her to grow too fast? How do I protect her from harsh realities without over-protecting her?

Beginning of Week 19

Week 19 has begun!

The baby bump has definitely made itself very obvious...now I'm just waiting to feel movement! More than likely, I already have, but I just don't recognize it as being our little one moving around inside. Hopefully soon, though, I'll be able to discern those flutters and kicks!

My latest shock about pregnancy is that people have NO issue making comments about a pregnant woman's size or reaching out and touching her belly. These wouldn't be acceptable any other time, but apparently pregnancy makes the "personal space bubble" disappear, and people don't even ask before reaching out and rubbing the belly like it is going to bring good luck! I also have had people comment that "as big as you are, you must be carrying twins or a very big boy." Excuse me? I'm not all that big...but my petite frame apparently makes me look exceptionally large at the moment...to some people. But really, who says that to someone??

Two weeks left of my last Masters class, then I just have the final exam that covers the entire program. I'm so ready for grad school to be done! I also am in the final stretch of Squadron Officer School, and after I take that final test, SOS will be taken care of as well - all before Baby B makes his/her grand appearance!

The next doctor's appointment is 22 March, and the big ultrasound where we will hopefully find out Baby B's gender is 9 April. We're so excited!

Already at 4.5 months...I feel like this pregnancy is going to be over with before I know it - and I want to be able to take time to savor the miracle of what is happening!

Finally...an update...and we're going to have a baby!

I haven't updated this blog since May, which is really a bad thing...but there is a lot to catch up on!

2009 ended up being a banner year in a lot of ways. Among many things, I completed my first half-marathon and marathon in September, and Nathan and I found out Christmas Eve that we are pregnant!!!

The pregnancy came as a shock at first. We'd been trying for a long time to conceive, but the fact that we only see each other on the weekends, due to work issues, made things difficult. Then I got tagged for a deployment. As soon as I was notified about the deployment, I went home and took a pregnancy test, but it was negative. I didn't know it then, but I was already pregnant...just not far enough along to register on a home pregnancy test.

Nathan and I were at Christmas Eve Mass, and I cried through the entire thing, but I could not explain for the life of me why I was crying! Nathan looked at me and said, "Honey, Hark the Herald Angels Sing is not supposed to make you cry. I think you're pregnant." My response was that I couldn't be pregnant - I was deploying! (Like that is some kind of fertility shield...hahaha.) On the way home, he pulled into CVS and picked up a pregnancy test. We got home and I rolled my eyes as I agreed to take the test, convinced that Nate was crazy and I was just emotional. Well..."emotional" isn't quite how I would put my response to seeing two lines on both of the tests! I went into full-blown hysterics.

Despite the fact that we'd wanted a baby for a very long time, I had geared myself up to deploy, and all I could think was "everyone is going to be so mad at me!". I didn't want to be one of those women who everyone thinks got pregnant to get out of a deployment. But my chain of command knew that Nathan and I had been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and everyone was very, very supportive (and continue to be).

Thankfully, I have not had to deal with morning sickness. There is a constant sense of low-grade nausea, but nothing like what many of my friends have experienced. The toughest thing is actually the insomnia. I've never had a difficult time sleeping, until now. Some say this will get better, others just say it is practice for things to come!

All in all, I have no complaints. Every "trial" that comes with pregnancy is a reminder of the life that God is knitting together within my womb, and it makes the tough parts easier to bear. It is a special blessing as well to know that Libby is pregnant at the same time - only four days apart with our due dates! Only God could plan that one out!

There will be many more updates soon...and if anyone has advice, bring it! :)

Memorial Day update

I'm writing this post from my parents' living room in Post, TX. Yep, for Memorial Day weekend, I took leave and flew home for a couple of days. It's so good to see them! And my sister was here with my nephew Julian when I arrived. So cute! Did it add to the baby fever? Not necessarily, but it gave me a big dose of reality (he was really cranky at first). But it was good to see Lauren - motherhood has been so good for her! She's really a great mom, and I hope I can be that good when God decides it's my turn.

I know it has been over two months since I last blogged...and so much has been going on! Things have evened out at work for the most part, although I'm staying incredibly busy. I find myself often going to the "reflection room" that is near my office and just asking God for wisdom. Many of the decisions I must make effect the Airmen I'm responsible for, and I am terrified of messing their lives/careers up. But God has been gracious thus far. Although, admittedly, there have been a couple of times when I did the right thing, but it didn't feel good...and yet it was definitely the right thing.

In April, I started up grad school again, and I am now one week from the end of this particular course - Analytics I. It has been a tough course, and I still have a 25-page term paper due on Sunday. Yikes!

I also ran another 5k at the beginning of May - this one was in Conway, AR. Nate and I went home to see his parents, and we all ran in the Toad Suck Daze 5k. (Yeah, what a name...for more info, check out http://www.toadsuck.org/) It was an absolutely nutty thing to do. It rained and rained and rained. So much so that every other event pretty much got called off, except the race.
So we're out there running...in a thunderstorm...with water almost up to our knees at times. I finished in 32:35, which wasn't too bad considering the conditions.

I also got myself talked into doing the Air Force Marathon in September, two weeks after I do the Virginia Beach Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon. The training has been intense, but I'm taking it carefully...I don't want to deal with sciatica again! I ran 6 miles yesterday morning...not too bad...just have to put one foot in front of the other!

I've been doing a lot with Civil Air Patrol lately as well. We took the cadets out to the field for a Field Training Exercise and did both day and night Land Navigation with them, as well as a training UDF mission (to find a simulated downed aircraft). I also got to go up in the plane and begin my Mission Scanner training, taking an aerial approach to finding downed aircraft. Next month is Encampment, which is a week-long sort of "basic training" for the cadets. Not like military basic training, but it gives a good foundation for what CAP is really all about. I'm going to be a Tactical Officer assigned to one of the flights for the week...it is going to be exhausting...but it should be fun!

But here's what I miss about it all: Christ. I'm not saying He isn't there, because He is. And there are tons of Christians involved in CAP. But everytime I go to a weekend event, I feel like I should be digging out my Bible and digging in to something new I'm going to learn about Jesus. (That's probably because InterVarsity is soooooooo ingrained in me!) But that stuff doesn't happen. I mean, there are some spiritually-based conversations that happen off to the side, but nothing like the "old days". And, wow, do I miss it.

In a lot of ways, I fear that my faith is stagnating. Nate and I haven't found a church home yet, and it isn't because we haven't looked. We just have some really different needs that are making it tough. And the military...while there are no atheists in foxholes, I can't shout "Jesus!" from my desk, either.

It's not that my faith has lessened - it hasn't. It isn't that I don't believe, because I do. I think that my time in IVCF spoiled me, because every other week was a new lightbulb moment. The fact that I miss that time 4 years later tells me that it had a huge impact on me. And I miss it. I keep pressing in, as best I can, but I stay hungry for more.

In other news...I love having Nathan home. I mean, there are times when the transition back to "married life" is stressful, as we both do things our own ways and we have to find a way to work together again. But I love waking up next to him every morning...and laughing at him when he gets furious at Duchess for waking him up at 2am...and just being with him. Looking back, there were so many things that had to happen for Nate and me to meet...to marry. And my life has never been the same. And it will never be the same. My life is different and better because of Nathan. And I am so in love with him. :)

Now then...on this Memorial Day, I want to say thanks to God for the freedoms that we have. And I'm thankful to the men and women who have died so that we could have those freedoms. I don't want this to sound self-serving, but if you see a military man or woman today, would you say "thank you"?

May God reveal Himself in new ways to you and to me today. May our eyes be opened to a new facet of His character, to a new granting of His mercy, to a new picture of His grace. May our hearts always hunger for more of Him, and yet I pray that He would always be more than enough for us.

Update!

Okay, I know I haven't written for a month. However, I can definitely say that I've been busier than normal...which really does seem impossible.

Roughly a month ago, I finally finished up my qualification training. This meant that tons of training culminated in sitting before a board and having questions fired at me for an hour in an attempt to determine whether I had what it took to do the job. (Yes, I know I'm being enormously vague...but those who know me and understand the world I work in understand why I'm being vague...) And I did the job for roughly two weeks. It was good experience, although frustrating at times, because other services operate in a completely different way than the Air Force.

I've now moved to doing a purely Air Force job. Again, I won't talk about it here, but it is significant in its responsibility and potential impact. More than that, it is a huge challenge for me to take on at this point in my career. But I trust that I am where I am for a reason, and I think this is a really good move and a great opportunity. In fact, due to the change, I am writing this from the USO in the Charlotte, NC airport after a whirlwind TDY to San Antonio to discuss the future and codification of this effort. Good times!

In other - and better - news, Nathan is here!!! He got a job that pays well, especially for the area of the county where we live. However, he's not entirely sure that he and the job are a good fit - we're praying for direction and wisdom in that. But the bottom line is, he is now in Georgia. Yay!!

Nathan's arrival was the first item on my goal list for 2009 to be completed - "Live with Nate". A second item was marked off the list on 7 March: I ran my first 5k!

I was working on Friday night when Nathan emailed me and asked if I wanted to run a 5k the next day. I replied that I wasn't sure we could afford the late registration fee at the moment. He responded that if money was all I was worried about, I was running a 5k the next day! (I said that was fine and asked him to bring me some pasta!)

I was super nervous before the race began, especially as more and more people kept showing up with t-shirts from past marathons they had completed. I figured that if they could run 26.2 miles, they could probably outrun me in 3.1. Granted, I don't run to win - that would be massively foolish on my part. I run for the joy of running. And, wow, there was definitely joy! I turned a corner and began running slightly downhill as the morning sun was lighting up an older, historic church downtown. It was beautiful. And because I didn't know the course and couldn't gauge where I was at, all I could do was run. And I was determined not to stop. My two goals when I run a race are 1) to finish and 2) to not come in last. You may laugh at my not wanting to come in last. But if you know the struggles I have had as a non-athlete in the military then you know where that fear of being last comes from.

However, I finished the race in 30:18 - that's a 9:46 mile! As for being worried about being last, the final runner came in at 48 something, so I had nothing to worry about.

One of the greatest things about the run was the ability to continue pushing forward when others were stopping and walking. Many people made the classic (and common) mistake of going out of the gate too quickly, but I learned LONG ago to start at the back (or middle) of the pack and let them go ahead of me - I'll eventually catch up!

But the best part of the race was having Nathan wait for me at the finish line. There's something about having someone to run to, and finding him at the finish line was exhilarating.

I'm still waiting on final results and photos from the race (the 2009 Heart and Sole 5K) to be posted. When they are, I'll include them here.

In other news, I've been working on bits and pieces of new songs. But nothing has come at me yet in the form of an entire song. God gives and God takes away, and I've found that if I push too hard and try to create something out of nothing, it sounds fake. So I'm waiting on God right now. But one of my other goals for 2009 is to write enough music for an album so that Bill and I can get into a recording studio. Please pray for my eyes, ears, and heart to be open to the things that God "drops" into my life, that I would not miss the cues and sparks of creativity that He so graciously offers.

Okay, that's my update for now. Hopefully I'll be able to write more later - before an entire month has gone by!

Silly Me

This is a short post to note how ridiculous I am.

Two of my posts have noted my rather protracted struggle with the goodness of God. No need to go into great detail on that...simply read the posts below and it's all there in painful detail.

Yet, something good - no, amazing - happens, and my first thought is "God is so good."

Seriously.

What in the world is it about my little brain that somehow thinks my circumstance has any bearing on the goodness of God?

The amazing thing that happened is that Nate got a job offer...then a second one...all in one day! So he has to choose, but regardless, he should be here in early March.

Oh...my...goodness!!!!!

I went for a run after I got the news, and God took the opportunity to absolutely hit me upside the head with a two-by-four. (No, not literally...although that might be more effective some days.) I'm running, listening to my music, enjoying the weather, and thinking about how good God is. When God breaks into my reverie:

"Oh, so now I'm good?"

I was so shocked that I stopped dead in my tracks. Not shocked that God had spoken, but shocked at what the meaning of His words implied. And I knew He was right. Things go bad, God must not be good. But when things are great, well, God can't get much cooler.

I found myself repenting while finishing my run, listening to the song Completely from the Facing the Giants soundtrack.

Whether in good times or in bad, I really, really want to be completely His. And I want to hold onto this brief moment in time when everything has come together and is working out and I'm confident of God's goodness. Because life is going to do its best to rearrange the way I feel and try to convince me otherwise. But the more I'm in Him, the more I know Him, and the more I love and believe everything about Him.

Princess Jessie?

So I was in yoga class the other night, getting a good reminder that I'm not as flexible as I thought I was (my hip flexors still hurt), and we were doing the relaxation portion at the end. I'm laying there, letting my body sort of sink into the mat and allowing my mind to wander, when I start thinking about this blog. I had just tweaked it, and I was recalling the About Me section, where I describe myself as a Christian, wife, runner, singer/songwriter, etc. And I can see the section in my head, when suddenly the word "princess" shows up.

Princess?

I was so startled that my eyes shot open and I almost sat straight up off the mat. Princess? Where did that come from?

Ok, so I knew immediately where that came from - not a big secret. If it's in my head and I'm pretty sure that I didn't think it up, it's generally God dropping by and whispering. So, instead of continuing to relax, I layed there on the mat, trying not to focus on my aching hip flexors, and talked with God about this princess thing.

Again, princess? What? I know that we often go into the whole "I am a daughter of the King" thing, which sounds really nice, but...really? I don't walk around thinking "I am a princess!" I certainly don't feel like one. I live in a military uniform (one that does nothing for the female body, trust me), and I feel like I have to be tough all day long. On the extremely rare occasion that I do go out, I dress up, but definitely not to the degree that I feel like royalty.

So I'm telling God that it's a nice thought and all, but He's got the wrong girl if He's trying to describe me as a princess. And God's response was "Why aren't you a princess?" I went over the long list that I had for why I am not a princess.

"Don't you want to be a princess?"

Oh, leave it to God to hit a tender spot in my heart and soul that I didn't even know was there until He had pushed. I have this thing about princesses. Someday, I want to go to Disney World because Disney has some very cool princesses. I think about dressing up for the beauty pageants I did as a kid and how princess-like I felt. (I think about the fact that I weighed more than I ever have on my wedding day, and how un-princess-like I felt...) What is it about being a princess? They are beautiful. Period. Not just outside glamour...but all around, inside, outside beauty. And I want to be that. Just like in John & Stasi Eldredge's books, I want to be the beauty to rescue. I want to be worth rescuing. And, well, I generally don't feel like I am.

Let me stop here and say that this has nothing to do with Nathan being the guy who rescues the beauty. He makes me feel like a girl everytime he's home, and I LOVE him for that. It is then that I can let my guard down and be...soft. But I rarely feel like a princess.

So when God asks if I want to be a princess, He hits a nerve deep inside. I want to be the beauty to rescue, but it's hard to feel beautiful when called to a life in which beauty is dangerous. My hair is pinned into a bun as I'm writing this, and my makeup is minimal. Again, my uniform does nothing for the female body. Princess in camo? Hmmmmm....

God didn't say much after that; He sort of left me to sort through the emotions of that nerve He's hit. I have the feeling that it will come up again later, however. God has a way of pushing against the walls and issues I've built up, then backing off, then pushing again. It will be interesting to see where this goes. I think it will be painful, because it is going to dredge up stuff that I have probably buried deep inside as part of my survival...but if God's pushing, it has to be a good thing, a timely thing, and - maybe - a healing thing.